funny quotes, just fun

Guilt quotes

A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience. Doug...

Graduation Quotes

It’s graduation time around New York. We've a lot of honor students here...Yes your honor, no your honor, not guilty your honor! Dave Letterman A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success. Robert Orben The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet. Aristotle It's not your blue blood, your pedigree or your college degree. It's what you do with your...

God Quotes

Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are. Erik Satie And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said he would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. Spike Milligan God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. Garrison Keillor The body of a young woman is God's greatest achievement. Of course He could have made it to last longer, but you can't have everything. Neil...

Good Quotes

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. Emo Philips Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that’s really where you wish they were. George E Bergman Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy. Henry...

Funeral Quotes

I once got sacked for laughing ... mind you, I was driving a hearse at the time. Bernard Manning They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. Garrison...

Food Quotes

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy! Tommy Cooper Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time? Billy Connolly Most vegetables are something God invented to let women get even with their children. A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussels sprouts never do. P. J. ORourke (The Bachelor Home Companion) Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese...

Drugs Quotes

You should just say no to drugs. That will drive the prices down. Geechy Guy I mean really wonderful. In teaching. Personal epiphanies. About life. About different perspectives help with different perspectives that you have. You know what I mean? Relationships to nature. Relationships with the self. With other people. With events. Keanu Reeves (on his use of Drugs, Feb 2001, Vanity Fair) The 1960's were when hallucinogenic drugs were really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we...

Fear quotes

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams. Rita Rudner I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. Kevin...

Fatness Quotes

I'm actually a thin, serious person, but I play fat and funny, but only for the movies. Dom DeLuise The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is. Helen Rowland Imprisoned in every fat man a thin one is wildly signalling to be let out. Cyril Connolly (The Unquiet Grave, 1944) Outside every thin girl is a fat man trying to get in. Katharine Whitehorn Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable. Jackie Gleason (The Book of Quotes, 1979,...

Failure quotes

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. Thomas A Edison I always turn to the sports page first, which records people's accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures Justice Earl Warren (as quoted in Total Joy - 1976) Men succeed when they realize that their failures are the preparation for their victories. Ralph Waldo Emerson Failure is inevitable. Success is elusive. Steven Spielberg I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is...