funny quotes, just fun

elephant stroke

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Kitkat

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2 children sitting

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Dracula Quotes

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed? Steven Wright I wish I had a kryptonite cross. Then I could keep Dracula and Superman away. Jack...

Doctor Quotes

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "break my arms." Tommy Cooper My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays. Joey Bishop Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger. Dave Letterman The New England...

Deep Thoughts Quotes

'It was more fun than a barrel of monkeys.' Did you ever smell a barrel of monkeys?! Steve Bluestein I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. Steven Wright Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut. Robert...

Deadlines quotes

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. Douglas...

Daughter Quotes

I will not allow my daughters to learn foreign languages because one tongue is sufficient for a woman. John...

Dating Quotes

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. Jerry Seinfeld Dating is so insecure. My last relationship, I was always there for her and she dumped me. I told her about it. I said, "Remember when your grandma died? I was there. Remember when you flunked out of school? I was there. Remember when you lost your job? I was there!" She said,...

Cop Quotes

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. Dennis Miller A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot." Tommy Cooper Cops pick on me. I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding. Paula...